Tuesday, April 3, 2012

When Gold Bars Aren't True

I have this weird habit (or I'm just getting uber-conscious about it) that when I'm getting messed up with everything in my life, that when I'm busy, I do a lot more unrelated things to maintain that "busy" status. On the other hand, when I'm getting idle, I literally do nothing. Yes, my life is on both extreme ends. And one of those unrelated things is blogging. You have to be informed, however, that this time, I don't have anything to do and I don't know whose helping hand pushed me towards getting into this game but I'm sure there'll be loads of things to do in a week or two. But nevertheless, just keep on reading.

It's been a month already since I last blogged. And within that time frame, many things happened but I didn't know where to start. And a big problem was how can I fully conceal the real thing and make others view it as just another cyber whine.

On personal things...

My life shuffled back to some time in the past that I don't even need to remember. Not because I didn't have a memory of it, neither did I already forget since I don't have a memory of it in the first place. It's because, we are sometimes better individuals without those memories and without those people supposedly in that memory. If those people love us, they'd better leave us alone if seeing us being happy is all that they've ever dreamed of since then. They wouldn't supposed to fit in and eventually destroy our almost happy lives. I was lost and held captive for days. I'm not sure if I am, until now.

On very academically related things...

I remember when I said "It's better to be a pessimist some times." and a friend got shocked about me thinking about those negative things and insisted that being the opposite is always better. And now, I'm thinking about whether it's actually right to be one some times or not.

I'm not really planning to be a pessimist but I was hurt many times for being optimistic. I have gone through emotional stresses these past few days as a result of being such. You know, we don't have to comfort ourselves that not because we have done our best, that the weather is fair, and that people are nice we'd already consider that as a sure-win when it's actually not. Some people do not know how hard and painstaking it is to be on that status and it's just easy for them to say things that could have happened.

On chasing rainbows...

We weren't really that adventurous. This quest is considered as a reservation in case things get us messed up, again. We will be cross-enrolling to UP Manila this summer, not because we failed in any subject (that was almost) but because we are taking Math 100 in advance. Our Math professor was really curious and unsure about this not-so-desperate attempt we are making. And honestly, I am not, too. I'm just praying that this time, this laborious quest, although tiring and painful, could bring us smiles we have never thought we could have.

I am so confused now. I can hardly sleep thinking of things that recently came to me. It's harder since I don't think anyone could understand me and I am afraid of speaking to those who understand. I am such a useless person. Really.

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