Why are there such things that should supposedly make you happy but actually make you realize you're in fact not getting any better? Why are there things that make you feel ambiguous along the way when you exactly know where you're going to? When you expect them to be somehow cooperative in their own ways, that's when they fail you. That's when they disappoint you.
I'm sure I have already discussed with everybody how depressed I was last week and the week before the other. I admit. I dodged every problem I had. I went away and left them all behind hoping that when I come back, someone might have already fixed them. But it's actually not what I have expected. They're still the same problem when I left them. They never changed. I think, my motto: "If you're not happy, pretend that you are. At the end of seven days, you will be." is not proving quite right. It's not fixing every problem I have. Because for me, a problem is solved when you feel that you're happy, you're comfortable with it and you're assured that it's not going to haunt you any time of the day. Instead, I was chasing away the clouds even though I know that they're always coming back. That there's no more hope of getting a sunny morning when I wake up.
That seven-day promise has now lapsed. I'm still not getting better. In addition to the load I'm carrying physically and emotionally, a new set of problems arrived and I don't know how to fix them in long-term. I know how to dodge them again, but I have already learned something with how ineffective it is.
I know I don't have to be happy when I know I am not. I don't have to feel assured when I can feel that the odds are not in my favor. I don't have to assume when everything is just conditional. And I don't have to find relief in pretending when I know that it's not my game.
"A little discomfort in the beginning can save a whole lot of pains in the end."
I thought about this one, too before. I know what the real problem is. It's me. I'm too coward to shake it off and I just keep on rolling on a bed of grass hoping that somehow they'd find their way of leaving me alone.